“You’re gonna love what I do when I’m on top of you.”
– Enrique Iglesias

Or

: “I really did need a box moved,” sales girl tells me. “But the next thing you know I was bent over a three high stack of ink toner and seeing nothing but red.”

11:12 a.m.: It’s the fifth day of working on the sex issue nonstop when the crossword puzzle girl, who’s trying to come up with sex terms for this week’s puzzle (pg. 52) asks what a rusty trombone is?
11:13 a.m.: Music guy quickly volunteers and starts clumsily detailing the maneuver before saying, “I better draw you an illustration.”
11:14 a.m.: Several co-workers watch over his shoulder as he scribbles away but before he even finishes the marketing guy turns to Marti and says, ”I want to fuck you.” “What!?” Marti screeches.
11:14:30 a.m.: “Right now,” marketing guy exclaims. He’s uncontrollable and starts grabbing at Marti.
11:15 a.m.: Tiara goes to get the boss. Boss comes out, takes in the situation, and says, “Well, I guess I can’t very well apply the usual code of conduct after asking you all to be as offensive as possible in this sex issue so if you want to jerk off or screw each other go ahead. I don’t care.”
11:15:37 a.m.: “All right!” marketing guy yelps. “All right, nothin’,” Marti says. “Get away from me.”
11:16:50 a.m.: “Come on, you know you want it,” tech girl says. “Well, I am a little tense,” Marti says.
11:17 a.m.: “Angie and Brian used to use the storage closest for sex before they got fired,” tech girl says.
11:17:22 a.m.: “Yeah, they had that code where Angie would ask for help moving a box and then they’d go at it for four minutes,” new guy says.
11:18 a.m.: “Could you help me move a box?” Marti says shyly to the marketing guy.
11:20 a.m.: Employees we rarely see are suddenly interested in what we’re doing. Heidi and Staci come over from the ad department and Andrew and Scottie from accounting are fumbling around.
11:24 a.m.: People are loitering outside the storage closet and at first I think they’re just ease-dropping but they’re actually in line - in twos and threes. Just about everybody has been asked for help moving a box.
11:26 a.m.: Arguments are breaking out and some people are getting antsy waiting for their turn. Juan, the new sales guy who’s rumored to be a serious swinger, immediately takes charge of the situation. And he’s either quite good at this or people don’t need much of a push to start fucking each other in public.
11:28 a.m.: Juan is directing people like he’s operating a Caligula fantasy camp. “Kerri, don’t swallow. Your tummy’s going to be full before everyone else gets a turn.” “Son, if the clothes are getting cumbersome just hike her skirt up.” “Hey you! Don’t touch your member. It’s a turn off.” “Scottie, loosen up the grip. A woman doesn’t like her head held like a volleyball and jammed down during oral sex.” (Here’s the move.)
11:35 a.m.: Kerri, the temp worker, says her first husband could never get her off so she knows over 2,000 positions. “ I tried everything. I’m Kamasutra Kerri. I just need a volunteer,” she says. New guy jumps right up and seems to be having the time of his life until he gets too excited in the fifth position. “Oops. OK, I’m going to need another volunteer,” Kerri says.
11:50 a.m.: Juan is hooking up a DVD player to the office TV. Before this, the only time we turned on the TV in the office was for the boss’s baseball games and the Gonzalez hearings. Now showing: Anal Fever 2.
11:58 a.m.: “If anybody needs any natural lubricant for areas that just won’t lubricate see me,” Staci says. “I’m always wet. It’s my gift to the world.”
12:04 p.m.: Carrot admits she’s often fancied the idea of being a dominatrix. “I’m not really into the whole sexual aspect of it but I like the idea of whipping people,” she says. “I think I have some stuff in the car.”
12:10 p.m.: Tiara says she doesn’t feel sexy enough. “I’m going to go to that costume shop and get like a Catholic schoolgirl’s outfit or something,” she says.
12:22 p.m.: A huge crowd has gathered around red carpet girl’s desk and there’s sporadic applause, like she’s putting on some kind of a show. “I can text with my twat,’ she says waving. “I’ve been doing it since the 10th grade.”
12:25 p.m.: Skip lunch.
12:33 p.m.: New guy is shaving Marti. “My fiancé never lets me do this,” he grins.
12:40 p.m.: Carrot appears in the office all legs and leather and looking like Kate Beckinsale in Underworld: Evolution, except for the clown nose. “I wanted to make it fun too,” she says.
12:42 p.m.: “You,” Juan says pointing to Scottie, “go with Carrot to the basement.”
12:42:14 p.m.: “Neat, I didn’t even know we had a basement,” Scotty says.
: The interoffice mail guy comes in and after a quick glance around the office asks if he can stay awhile. “I’m ahead of schedule this morning anyway,” he says. “Sure you can stay,” tech girl says. How far ahead of schedule are you. If it’s four minutes, come with me. I need help moving some boxes.”
1:10 p.m.: Heidi tells me she reads Laurel Hamilton vampire books because vampires have the best sex. “You want me to sit on your lap and read you this part about this girl vampire hunter having sex with two guys?” she asks. If you want to, I say.
1:30 p.m.: Heidi gives me the set up that the hunter is narrating while getting it on with vampires Demetrius and Jean-Claude and then gets right into it: “Auggie was hard enough that the head was naked above the silky foreskin. I rolled my mouth over that head, then shoved as much of him into my mouth as I could, as fast and hard as I could. It made me come up choking, but it also tore Auggie away form Jean-Claude’s mouth.” - Jean-Claude is the master vampire of the city, Heidi interjects. That’s not important, I say. Go on.
1:32 p.m.: “ I went down on him again, slower, lingering over the feel of him in my mouth, so ripe, so thick, and how the hard line of that curve felt going down my throat. --- I rose up from Demitrius’ body and said, “Don’t, don’t close down. Lets’ do this. Do it all.” - How am I doing?” Heidi asks. Great, I say. This has been the best story time ever.
1:50 p.m.: Tiara comes back from the costume shop but she looks like sort of a transvestite/ tin man/ nun. “They were out of the sexy stuff so I had to put a mishmash together. This feather duster goes with a French maid outfit though,” she says. That’s good, I say. “And they gave me this to strap on.” Oh my God.
2:07 p.m.: Scotty comes up out of the basement with file clips on his nipples and his pants down revealing a baboon red butt. “I want to cover up but it’s so sore,” he says. “My ass needs air. Don’t let the clown nose fool you. That girl means business.”
2:09 p.m.: Go down to basement, hear the crack of the whip and spot the interoffice mail guy just about to scream when Carrot jams one of those sadistic red latex rubber ball gags in his mouth.
2:10 p.m.: Run back upstairs.
2:33 p.m.: Tiara is distraught. “People tell me I sound like a goose when I orgasm. I honk,” she says. Honking’s hot, I say.
: Several male employees are arguing over the intern. Music guy says she’s hands off as usual. “But she’s game,” Scotty says. “She’s the intern,” music guy keeps repeating.
: Boss comes out and announces, “You can do anything you want with the intern but just today.”
2:50 p.m.: Several female coworkers are taking a break and discussing how Andy may be weasly looking but he’s actually a “major fuckster.” “You get him in the closet or the break room and he’s like a transformer,” someone says. “ I know,” red carpet girl says. “I felt like I was being gouged by the rod from a nuclear reactor.”
2:51 p.m.: “No, its more like riding the turret of a battleship,” tech girl says.
2:51:14 p.m.: “I closed my eyes and made believe I was the ocean floor being pounded by an offshore drilling rig,” Staci says.
3:01 p.m.: Word goes out that they’ve got kiddie porn on the Internet in the billing department. “Yes!” art guy screams running off but comes back totally dejected. “It’s kitty porn, not kiddie porn,” he says.
3:10 p.m.: Juan is working the room again, spouting out orders: “ A little more finesse folks. That looks more like Dunkin’ Donuts than tea baggin.’ Heidi, if you’re going to do it standing up facing the wall, put your heels back on. They’ll make your perky butt stick up just right. That’s better.” “Jesus, you guys sound like chalk on a blackboard,’ he says to one couple. ”Get some of that lubricant Staci’s dispensing.”
3:16 p.m.: Big boss comes in, looks totally shocked for a second but then nods and says, “I get it, transformative change. Penguins behave this way. No inhibitions. I love it. Who wants to take a ride on my Harley?” I’ll go if I can call you Jean- Claude?” Heidi says.
3:33 p.m.: There’s a line at the art guy’s desk and he’s painting the breasts of several girls who came over from the nail salon next door. It’s as if he’s operating a booth at Ozzfest.
: “Don’t call me mommy!” Staci yells at new guy. “Don’t call me daddy,” new guy shouts back. “Daddys different,” Staci says.
: Juan is berating Scottie. “Cunnilingus or analingus – one or the other! No mixing it up on my watch.
4:10 p.m.: Tiara is completely disheveled. One breast is hanging out. “I don’t care,” she says. “You can put it away for me if you want. I won’t slap your hand.”
4:11 p.m.: Put Tiara’s left breast away. .
4:12 p.m.: You look like hell, I say. You feel OK?
4:12:34 p.m.: I think I have anal fever, she says.
4:15 p.m.: Boss comes out to make an announcement: “Anyone who calls in sick tomorrow with anal fever will be docked two days pay.”
5:05 p.m.: A tall Vietnamese nail tech with a herd of wild horses airbrushed across her small breasts sticks out her hand and asks me if I want to get high. I guess so, I say.
5:10 p.m.: She leads me out the break room door lays down on the grass along the canal. “Salon weed is the best,” she says lighting up. “You want to eat animal crackers off my stomach?” Yes.
5:16 p.m.: “If you want to taste me down there you can,” she says uncrossing her legs. OK, I say, but can I finish the cookies first?
5:32 p.m.: As I’m heading back inside there’s an odd looking guy outside the back door holding a goat. “Juan asked me to bring it in when the time is right,” he says
5:34 p.m.: When I get back in the office crossword girl says, “Look,” pointing across the room to Marti and the music guy. “That illustration didn’t do the rusty trombone justice.”
5:35 p.m.: A little turned off, I head toward the basement. Near the front of the office Juan is trying to get everybody to move in for a group photo. “Say Sodom and Gomorah,” he grins
5:36 p.m.: As I pass the storage closet I hear someone exclaim, “Don’t, don’t close down. Let’s do this. Do it all!”
5:37 p.m.: “Terry, you ready for your whuppin’?” Carrot asks sweetly.
5:37:28 p.m.: I guess I deserve it, I say. But do you have to stick that rubber ball in my mouth?
5:37:39 p.m.: “Not if you take it like a man, little boy. No screaming.”
5:38 p.m.: Jam ball into my own mouth.