“Bhopa or Bust.”
Sign over restroom door.

10:04 a.m.: The temp worker at front desk, who has been here for eight months, stops me on my way into the office. “Hey,” she says. “I’m really down and depressed. Do you have time to talk?”
10:05 a.m.: I've no time for self-pity or the shallows of loneliness but am passionate about both so I make the time, I say.
10:13 a.m.: As soon as I get to my desk there is a major disruption. Sales guy uses the word “pussy” and several women in the office jump all over him. “I thought that was the nice word to use,” he says. “I thought it was the other word you hated.”
10:13:22 a.m.: “Just call it a vagina,” intern says. “No! Don’t do that!” Marti says so adamantly we will forever wonder why but never ask.
10:13:31 a.m.: “I like club vajayjay,” red carpet girl says.
10:13:54 a.m.: “The wunda down unda,”’ Tiara says.
10:14 a.m.: Employees start shouting out names from “the great divide” to “bikini biscuit” but nothing is sticking.
10:15 a.m.: Get e-mail from coworker too shy to shout anything out. It reads: “i like honey pot.” : )
10:15:40 a.m.: i like honey pot too, I message back. :)
11:13 a.m.: Art guy who was sent to India two weeks ago comes strolling into the office and we’re all shocked. Right after our company outsourced our tech support to Bangladdesh, they also contracted to have human resources operate out of Bhopal, India and its become kind of an office joke.
11:14 a.m.: Every morning someone will go online to check weather conditions and shout out something like, “It’s a hazy 104 in Bhopal today with a chance of dust showers this afternoon. Don’t forget your umbrellas.”
11:15 a.m.: So that’s fun but the odd thing is that, even though we’re having across the board budget cuts in every department of the company, you have to fly to Bhopa to be fired.
11:16 a.m.: And that’s why we’re so surprised to see the art guy returning. “No, no, you got these new guys all wrong,” art guy says. “They’re much more understanding than our old HR people. The first thing Raja told me was its not sexual harassment if there’s no penetration. They call it ‘Eve teasing.’They’re playing by a different set of rules. You know, its OK in their culture to light someone’s shoes on fire.”
11:17 a.m.: While they’re wearing them? I ask. “You know, I didn’t ask,” art guy says. “I just assumed.”
11:17:31 a.m.: “Who’s Raja?” Tiara asks. “He is basically the entire human resources department in Bhopal,” art guy says. Most of the people in the village think that HR stands for Human Raja. He’s the man.”
11:18 a.m.: Boss comes out of his office. “What are you doing here?” he says to art guy. “We sent you to India to be fired?”
11:18:43 a.m.: “My sins have been forgiven,” art guy smiles. “India is the land of third chances. That’s what Raja says”.
11:19 a.m.: “What the heck did you do over there?” new guy asks. “Oh, they got films and stuff and a sexual deviant management class too,” art guy says. “Plus, Raja enjoys watching the Vietnamese soap operas he picks up on DirectTV. You think the Latin soaps are hot, you gotta see these.”
11:21 a.m.: “And most afternoons we’d go to the marketplace. Don’t worry, I got souvenirs for everybody,” he says. “I love it over there. The nightlife is awesome. In the city, instead of hansom cabs they have magic carpet rides and at midnight they put blaring lights on the streets so all the women’s suri evening wear becomes transparent.”
11:22 a.m.: All the employees are shaking their heads.
11:22:18 a.m.: And wondering what they need to do to get sent to India to be fired.
11:43 a.m.: Get e-mail from Tiara titled URGENT: “A new phrase to describe getting fired has now been added to the office vernacular. Getting axed is now referred to as ‘taking a magic carpet ride.’”
12:41 a.m.: Go to lunch at the park and eat alone.
12:54 a.m.: As I’m heading back to my car a little girl from a day camp stops me and says, “Can I shine my apple on your shirt?” Yeah, I guess so, I say.
12:55 a.m.: She quickly wipes it up and down on my shirt and runs off.
1:22 p.m.: Art guy is handing out souvenirs. I get a set off camel salt and pepper shakers. “The one with the two humps is the pepper,” he says.
1:23 p.m.: “A ganesha statue!” the new guy shouts. Red carpet girl is laying out a glorious linen bedding set in her cubicle. “Eighty cents,” art guy says winking at me.
1:25 p.m.: Carrot holds a strangely vicious looking embroidered tunic up in front of her and says, “Look, doesn’t it make me look dangerous, like I want to kill somebody?”
1:25:20 p.m.: You always look like you want to kill somebody, I say. “OK, but this makes me look like I’d really do it, right? Like it almost gives me permission.” Yes, the tunic gives you permission to kill somebody, I say.
1:28 p.m.: Go to bathroom and a sign over the door reads: “Bhopa or Bust.”
2:10 p.m.: Several members of the staff have been acting up all day, apparently hoping that HR (Human Raja) will be called in to deal with them, so the boss comes out of his office and announces: “If anyone thinks they’re going to get a free all expenses paid trip to India to be fired they are sadly mistaken.”
2:11 p.m.: “So you really can’t be fired anymore? Can you?” Tiara asks.
2:11:39 p.m.: “That may be the case but we’re still working on it,” boss says. “It’s just one more piece of the transformative change puzzle is all. I’ll have a firm answer for you in about two years.”
2:11:45 p.m.: All the employees immediately close their eyes and envision the boss’s shoes going up in flames.
2:12 p.m.: While he’s wearing them.
2:41 p.m.: Intern excitedly shows me her new suri body wrap. “Later I’m going to put it on and climb a ladder up to the florescent lights so everybody can see through it,” she says. “Stick around.”
2:42 p.m.: I’d like to but I remember I have an errand to run. I have to stop by a friend’s house and feed her cat and finches.
3:12 p.m.: Feed the finches and make sure I shut the utility room door again so the cat can’t get to them.
3:14 p.m.: Go to the kitchen and while I’m making Tang the finches are making a horrible racket. The cat, Kaiser Roll, looks at me like “just let me eat them.” I tell her if they were mine I certainly would.
3:33 p.m.: Hanging out in the kitchen as if I never have to move again. I really do want to give up on …everything. But then you hit a day that’s wrapped in suri and full of shiny apples, magic carpet rides and honey pots.
3:35 p.m.: There’s a laptop on the counter so I go online.
3:37 p.m.: The skies are cloudless and it’s a dry 99 in Bhopa today.