Well I'm packing up my game and I'm a head out west where real women come equipped with scripts and fake breasts...
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November 27, 2006
1 wedding in St. Tropez + 1 wedding in Beverly Hills + 1 wedding in Nashville = 1 divorce
ANDROCK SPLITS!! (no....ohhhhhh)
Only God knows why Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson didn't make it past the four month marriage mark. Buy hey, in Hollywood years, that's like five years.
Rock, 35, and Anderson, 39, got engaged in 2002 and broke up in 2003. They should've just stayed apart, but these crazy bumpkins went back in the ring Jerry Springer-style for a second round.
They were wed in late July near St. Tropez, France, and again at a courthouse in Beverly Hills, Calif.. On Aug. 3. they tied the knot a third time in an Aug. 17 ceremony in Nashville, Tenn.
Earlier this month, Anderson's spokesman, Tracy Nguyen, confirmed that Anderson recently suffered a miscarriage. The pregnancy was not believed to be far along.
Anderson has two sons, Brandon, 10, and Dylan, 8, from her marriage to rocker Tommy Lee. Rock has a 10-year-old son as well.
Here's the top 5 reasons this union couldn't last:
1. They never made a sex tape.
2. They're both blonde.
3. Their wedding toast was with Coronas.
4. The bride worse a white bikini and captain's hat, the groom wore Jim Beam and Coke.
5. He's not Tommy Lee.
November 24, 2006
Could you please bring me these in a size 10? These are perfection. But under no circumstances can you allow me to buy them!
Merry Christmas, I don't want to fight tonight (The Ramones and I mean it)
Well, I did it. I braved the mall this morning. After tossing and turning all night with nightmares of people buying all my presents before I could get to the mall, I sprung out of bed at 5 a.m., got dressed and raced over to the mall. I didn't even stop for coffee. I figured I could get it later. Most of the really good sales would be ending by noon. I had to act fast. Treating the situation with meticulous care, I planned out a strategy. I would park at Macy's. I figured I would beat the rush by arriving so early, but even at 5 a.m., it was rough getting a space, but I pulled it off because I don't mind walking. I was able to scoop up several items at Macy's for 80 percent off--a significant discount. Then, it was off to Victoria's Secret and Bath and Body Works to use my free product coupons. Well, Victoria's Secret was complete anarchy. Women of all ages were running around the store, pushing, shoving and complaining that there weren't enought sales people. Well, the sales people were likely hiding. I know I would be.
Then I got in line and a little biatch with an attitude almost as big as her tacky Coach bag starting coughing all over me so I would move. Sadly, it worked because I'm a hypochondriac around holiday time. It's the time I'm the most run down and need to make the most appearances. I leaped off the line and waited for another 20 minutes on the other side of the store.
Then I went to Burberry to get a gift and the sales lady cut her finger on a pair of scissors while wrapping another shopper's gift. Poor thing. She had no band aid. We essentially had to gift wrap her finger.
Well, I am happy to report that I got the shopping out of my system until January. My beloved Town Center, which is normally a place of solace and style, will be ransacked for the next 30 days by unrgateful, greedy, impatient out-of-towners and over worked, on-the-edge locals. And we go through this ridiculous steaming hot stress mess why? So we can return it all on Jan. 1st. You're killing me people!
November 22, 2006
Happy Turkey Day!!!
Here's my favorite Addams Family Values quote Christina Ricci's character Wednesday said while dressed as Pocahontas in a camp play:
Wednesday: "Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground."
November 21, 2006
Soul Patrol sighting in Miami!
A massively slimmed-down American Idol winner Taylor Hicks was at The Forge on Saturday night with his “Soul Patrol” – an elderly group of fellow grey-haired family members, including his mother. He told the hostess that he had heard rave reviews about the legendary steakhouse, “I had to try it out and bring the family.” Hicks was in town (with all the other hicks) for the Nascar championships.
The Forge was also celebrating with members of the Belgian consulate and special guest DJ Milo from Belgium.
Check out these runway looks fresh from Krelwear designer Karelle Levy's Spring 2007 Absence collection...
Scarlett turns 22!
Scarlett Johansson's 22nd birthday is tomorrow. Since she already has Josh Hartnett, a smoking movie career and the face of an angel, I can't imagine what else she could wish for. Celebrate Scahhh-let's b-day by watching Ghost World and sipping a Shirley Temple.
Fun facts about Scarlett:
She was born in New York.
She has a nose ring, but doesn't usually wear it in photo shoots.
She has a cat named Trooper.
She's of Polish/Danish descent.
She has a twin brother, Hunter Johansson.
She's 5' 4".
November 09, 2006
Hi, I'm a tool!
The most annoying man in America has a shoe fetish...
Kevin Federline [FedEx] recently whined to Salon about his failing recording career.
"They saw this street kid. The world doesn't want that for Britney Spears. That's their queen," he told Salon. "They don't want some dude that looks like a hoodlum ... They want her to be with the all-American boy."
The interviewer then asks FedEx, "Would it have been easier if you weren't famous?"
He says: "Probably. I think it definitely could've been. If people didn't know who I was, a couple of the records that I've thrown out would've probably blown up huge by now. It would've just come out of nowhere -- people wouldn't know what to expect."
YEAH, RIGHT MR. K-FED. WITHOUT BRITNEY, YOUR CD WOULD'VE NEVER EVEN GOT HEARD!! YOU KNOW HOW MANY RAPPERS ARE POUDING THE PAVEMENT, TRYING TO GET THEIR MUSIC HEARD????
Later in the interview, Federline actually has the nerve to refer to the watch he's wearing as his "baby." I guess that's why he can't pay attention to the 4 actual babies he has.
[on the watch] "That's my baby. Whenever I made some money that's the first thing I went and bought."
How about blowing that cash on some formula and diapers?
And then, Federline puts the final nail in his career coffin when blabs on about his shoe fetish.
"I have my fetishes like everybody else does. My shoes -- my kick game is ridiculous.
[I have] probably like 80 to 100 pairs. My watch game is ridiculous -- just jewelry in general. It's an investment. I bought this [points to his watch], and it's already gone up in value. All the jewelry I'm wearing has already gone up in value.
Is he planning on selling it?
"Hell no. I ain't getting rid of it. I'm going to go out and get some more."
Well he better hope his CD, Playing With Fire, sells more than the 6,000 copies it already did. Something tells me he's going to be pawning his watches, ebaying his shoes and starring in a porno.
The many faces of Kevin Federswine [hint: they're all stupid!]
FedEx gets shipped...
The only person surprised about the Britney/K-Fed break-up is the wannabe rapper himself. Kevin Federline is blinder than Stevie Wonder if he didn't see this coming. After knocking Britney up twice and reducing her career to info-mercial-esque status, Kevin Federline is finally getting what he deserves--the door.
I'd also like to applaud Britney for texting him about the divorce rather than telling him in person. He's such a low life he doesn't deserve to do anything more than man the t-shirt table at her concerts.
Federline received the divorce text message while filming an epsidode of reality tv show, Exposed, in Toronto. After he gets the message, he seems visibly shaken, removes his mic and disappears for a half hour.
Prior to that, Federline was bragging about his soon to be ex wife:
"She really loves what I'm doing right now and she's probably my number one fan...she thinks very highly of it. She believes in it big time and she sees that together, we take over the world."
Watch Federline crumble on www.thesuperficial.com.
On a side note, I'd love to see Britney pick up her life and make a huge comeback. While she was under the Federline spell/curse, Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson built up their careers to the superstar level she once reigned supreme. I've never seen her in concert, but I'll be first in line for the comeback tour. I also observed on her website, www.Britneyspears.com, she removed all the crap relating to Federswine and instead put a metaphorical image of a tiger morphing into her face. It seems like a dig at Federline to stay away from her kids. Good riddance FedEx!