Doomed Generation: Happy Loyalty Day!

Yes, it's May 1, and you know what that means, my fellow Americans! Er ... anyone? I'll give you a hint — it's a holiday.

...

No, it's not May Day, you freakin' commies. It's Loyalty Day! The holiday got its start back in the 1950s, to serve as a counterpoint to the aforementioned pinko holiday celebrated on the same day. It fell out of favor at about the same time as Joe McCarthy, but President Bush brought it back with an official proclamation on May 1, 2003.

Yes, four years ago today, Bush issued that proclamation. Incidentally, that's the same day that this happened:

How could a suit like this possibly bomb?

So, what with it being Loyalty Day and all, I'll try to refrain from tearing apart the president, his asinine "Mission Accomplished" PR Stunt of four years ago, his breathtaking ineptitude since then, the criminality of his administration, the utter disregard for anything even remotely appearing to be the rule of law, and so on.

I won't get into the Democratic debate of last week, since those people are traitors. I took notes, but that was ultimately pointless since there was no clear winner. Obama spoke haltingly, almost stuttering several times, Richardson looked lost and confused, Hillary did much better than I thought she would, but only Gravel proved memorable — a good thing since noone knew him beforehand.

Lookin' Good, senator

Speaking of Gravel looking good, I think he looked better with the moustache:

Lookin' better, senator

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! I also won't be talking about the scandal du jour, the D.C. prostitution ring that has ensnared at least one Bush administration official. Of course, I'll mainly be avoiding this story because Great American Sean Hannity has already said anything I could say, and done it better, when he defended prostitution on his show last night. I don't have a link yet, but essentially, Sean said "What if they were really going to this service because they were lonely and needed someone to talk to?" Just astounding. But given that statement, I can certainly understand Sean defending whores, can't you?

Anyway, as I said, this is Loyalty Day, so no more talk of how far we've gone down the rabbithole, or how impossible it is to climb back out again. Besides, here in Florida, we face a far more dangerous menace than traitors, terrorists or Republicans. Yeah, you guessed it, ace — COSTUMED SUPERVILLAINS!!

Just a few weeks ago up in Melbourne, police arrested Captain America when the supposed superhero, while at a bar, cajoled a woman into touching his privates. They also booked this "defender of the American way" on marijuana possession charges, among other crimes. It also turned out that the good captain had a burrito stuffed down his pants. I am not making any of this up.

Now, just yesterday in Daytona Beach, a man in a purple wizard outfit abandoned a toddler at Denny's. No, I'm not making this up either.

I think you see where this is going, ace. We put up with a lot of shit down here in the Dickhead of America, but I'll be damned if we have to fight off costumed supervillains, no matter how petty their crimes. Governor Crist and the Florida state congress need to drop all these suddenly irrelevant issues like property taxes and get on this issue now! Before long, we'll all be either innocent bystanders or else pawns in their nefarious plots of supervillainy.

Then again, this could bring much-needed jobs to the local economy. Anyone ever read Hench? Soon, the exciting, high-powered world of supervillain henchman will be only a phone call away. ... Or at the very least, a phone call, a ride across town while wearing a blindfold and then an oath of unfailing loyalty.

Get on the bus now, ace. Get in at the ground floor. Supervillainy is the new real estate. And like property values, this bubble is sure to burst ... especially if confronted by Bubble Man. Savvy?

Muahahaha!