Florida Invaded by Three-Foot Rats
Truth be told, this shouldn't be news -- we've had man-sized rats down here for years. Most of them are in Tallahassee. Ho ho!
Sorry, Jeb. That was uncalled for.
Anyway, I'm not talking about metaphorical vermin here. I'm talking the real thing. Gambian Pouch Rats. Three-foot fuckers with pointy teeth, sharp claws and the temperments of, well, rats. They are, in fact, the largest rats in the world, ace, and when they decide one day that Grassy Key Island has become too small for them, they will swim to Key Largo, breed their way up the coast, and eat your children in their cribs.
OK, maybe not so much that last part. But this latest story concerning invasive species in Florida has me wondering where it will all end. I'm sure many of you remember the photo from last year that depicted a python swallowing an alligator and dying in the process:
Yeah, that's the one.
Most of these species come over here as pets, and are then abandoned in the wild once their owners can't take care of them anymore, or else decide that they are no longer fashionable. But I'm not so much worried about the three-foot rats and the 15-foot pythons. I can deal with them. In Africa, the rats are eaten as bushmeat, and they're really not as scary as I made out:
And as for the pythons, I've practically gotten used to having them around already. What's a few giant snakes living in the nearby swamp when you already have huge lizards that boast a more powerful bite than just about anything else on the planet? Screw'em all. I'll have'em in a stew with the rats.
Now, that's good eatin'
No, I'm concerned about what all these rats and such are bringing here inside themselves. Or on themselves. The story linked above detailed how the rats likely brought in monkeypox, and the scare doesn't just stop at viruses. How long before one of these giant African beasts imports a litter of Guinea worms in its stomach? Will we ever drink water again after seeing worms explode from the skin of one of our neighbors? It's on its way, ace. Thirsty? So are the Guinea worms. But they don't drink ... water.
The sheer horror of Guinea worm disease in all its vile glory is not fit to be shown even on this somewhat R-rated blog. Just go to Google images and type in "Guinea worm disease." I'll wait. ...
... Back? Well, more things in heaven and earth, eh?
And that is only the beginning of the parasitic complications. And, besides, for all my former bravado, the last thing I need is a three-foot rat getting into my pantry. And the CDC believes that the Gambian Pouch Rat would spread easily across Southeast America if introduced to the mainland. Terrible. Just terrible. This is the way the world ends, ace -- not with a bang, but with a squeak.
Comments
Oh Sweenz.
How do you manage to fit the horrors of gut eating worms, giant rats AND a T.S. Eliot reference into one blog post. Plus, you can play a guitar.
You sir are a genius.
p.s. Check out Morgellons Disease, it's kind of old news now, but I was one of the first crying wolf on that one down here. I think Dallas New Times did a cover on the disease.
Posted by: Jake Smith | November 29, 2006 6:33 PM
I'm a 65 yr old lady who just loves gorey, bloody, hideous, creepy stories and pictures but I dont want to be close to these things (real things) keep 'em coming i can take it.
Posted by: rose | June 14, 2007 10:34 PM