Scott McClellan, we hardly knew ye
Great jabbering Christ in a Cornfield, where does it end? Not Scotty. Say it ain't so! The White House press secretary supplied some of the greatest moments of political levity in recent days. His chutzpah was breathtaking. And now, he's announced his resignation. I imagine having to repeat the line, "I can't comment on an ongoing investigation" so many times in one sitting finally got to him. And the way he would blame the media reporting on Bush's terrible policies for their disastrous effects, instead of blaming the policies themselves? Brilliant! It's not the administration's failure to plan for a post-war Iraq that's the problem! It's all this damn media reporting all this bad news! And leakers? well, leakers are bad when they report things we don't want leaked! Man, oh, man... who is going to have the cojones to replace Scotty?
Hold on there, buddy!
But you can't blame Scott. He knows a sinking ship when he sees one. The only person smarter is Bush's oringinal press secretary, Ari Fleischer, who could smell this stinker in Iraq a mile away and bailed before he had to endure day after day of flopsweat and failure, the way McClellan has for the past year at least. So, life is better now for Scotty. Give us a big smile, my man!
Jesus! Never mind. You look like a fucking demon when you smile.
But the big question now is, who will replace McClellan? It'll probably be some apparatchik that we've never heard of, but if I had to bet on a known quantity, I'd wager on Karen Hughes. Even Tucker Carlson, a far-right commentator in his own right, once said of her, "I've obviously been lied to a lot by campaign operatives, but the striking thing about the way she lied was she knew I knew she was lying, and she did it anyway. There is no word in English that captures that. It almost crosses over from bravado into mental illness." Carlson calls it mental illness, I call it eminently qualified to be Bush's press secretary.
Karen Hughes, alleged replacement for Scott McClellan
But why stop at Hughes? Sure she's a Bush loyalist who is more than qualified for the job, but why not go all out? Why not hire someone who will put these uppity reporters back in their place, back to the halcion days of 2002, when they all acted as White House stenographers?
Ann Coulter, because press secretaries should be batshit-insane
Yeah, that's the ticket! Ann Freaking Coulter, White House Press Secretary! Hot damn, CSPAN ratings would quintuple overnight! The verbal warfare would reach heights unknown in journalism history. Hell, I'd quit my job and get a gig freelancing at the White House press room, just to be in the same room as the frenzy. There'd be nowhere else in the world more collossally weird than the White House press room. She and the press corps would go after each other like gangbusters.
In any case, I don't think this McClellan thing -- or Andy Card's recent resignation -- bespeaks of any larger hammers to fall, though I could certainly be mistaken. I imagine Rumsfeld will stay right where he is, as will Cheney and the rest -- at least through the 2006 election. To get rid of the big players now would only be a sign of weakness, something neither the Bush White House nor the GOP in general can afford.
Comments
White House press secretary between the years 2000 and 2008 is the worst job I could ever possibly imagine.
Posted by: Courtney | April 21, 2006 3:50 PM
Exhume Ron Ziegler!
Posted by: strawdawg | April 21, 2006 5:44 PM